Joyceland ladies: We hope you are well and having nice weather. (We learned that this is how Princess Diana always began her handwritten notes and if it was good enough for her, it’s good enough for us.)
Joyce is a snow bird and is now en route to Florida. Dr. Luscious Legs informed Joyce that she has to wear the compression hosiery on BOTH legs until Christmas. Can you imagine? That’s sheer hell. Compression hosiery is the worst kind of sheer hell and nylons and tights are just considered plain hell. Our bodies were meant to breathe freely, not to be bound up in tightness with a tiny cotton crotch landing strip.
TRUE CONFESSION: back in the day we sold Sheer Delight pantyhose over the telephone. It was a crazy job that seemed like a good idea at the time. The office had about thirty desks–one for each sales rep. On each desk was a telephone, phone book, script, and bell. On the front wall was a large chalkboard with lights around it.
The Sassy and Sexy Manager would saunter up to the chalkboard at the start of the day–8 a.m. Her job was to get us ENTHUSED. She wanted us licking our chops and ready to sell Sheer Delight to the WORLD. She was going to MOTIVATE US. She asked everybody to stand and complete fifteen jumping jacks . . . a one and a two and a three and a four . . . . boy, we were feeling LOTS OF JOB SATISFACTION.
Once we completed our workout, she wrote each of our names on the chalkboard and we had to shout how many pairs of Sheer Delight we were going to sell that day. We went all the way around the room with everyone shouting out large numbers. Sassy and Sexy added up the grand total and screamed, “Are we gonna get this 450 today?” And we all screamed back, “YES!” Then she bellowed with veins popping out of her neck, “Start dialing!!!!” And we all did exactly as she asked.
The room was a flurry of frantic phone dialing. We were assigned to call addresses on Dr. Martin Luther King Drive and those ladies weren’t buying what we were selling. We even read our script with lots of expression in our voice. Sometimes we got risky and ad-libbed a little bit.
When you made a sale, you were asked to ‘ding’ the bell on your desk. This meant that Sassy and Sexy would come over and talk to the customer to close the deal. She was now the Sassy and Sexy Closer. So, the room became a flurry of frantic phone dialing and bells dinging. Craziness. Strange, career craziness.
Once the sale had been approved, Sassy and Sexy would slap you on the ass and tell you to go up front to the chalkboard to mark a tally by your name. Boy, did we run up front like a happy, little puppy. There was a machine near the front of the room that could detect your presence and it would trigger the lightbulbs to flash on and off, the Hallelujah Chorus to come blaring into the room along with a voice recording that said, “I love you–do it again–sell another pair.”
This was the career circus that happened every time you made a sale. We lasted a day and a half. And that may be part of the reason why we don’t like hosiery very much.