Joyce is always ready to answer your most heartfelt questions about living the Joyce lifestyle. We pulled this interesting predicament from the mailbag today–letter #1:
Dear Joyce: I, too, free my toes from the confines of polish post summer and my private parts from panties at bedtime. (When I shared this piece of private info with my 15-year-old daughter, she made a,”Wow, that’s gross” face. That’s when I KNEW it was a good idea). Yet, now I am conflicted. Here is my dilemma: since I am not a morning person and love saving time when rushed in the morning, should I wear panties at nite with a baby wipe tucked into the wide cotton crotch in order to omit the morning shower occasionally? Please advise. Lots of luv . . . . . That Sweet Kitten, Liv
Dear Sweet Kitten: Morning people be damned. Joyce is not a morning person and neither are we. Secretly, we despise morning people. Leisure upon waking is the best way to keep your ticker a tick tocking. However, we understand that there are occasions when one has to rise and run. (It happened to us this morning for Bulldog’s obscenely early end o’ first quarter conference with the teacher.) Here is what advise: upon your nightstand you will set a fresh pair of unders along with a container of baby wipes. Your privates will air out during a night of sweet slumber and revive themselves for a brand new day. Your alarm will go off, you’ll sit up, take a baby wipe shower, put on your panty a go-go’s and you’ll be off like a ruptured duck. (Joyce adores the ruptured duck reference which, interestingly enough, originated during World War II.) We hope this advice helps you remain free and unencumbered while getting your beauty rest, but keeps you ready for early parties or the occasional a.m. rush.
And letter #2:
Dear Joyce: Have you ever heard of taking a Febreze shower? We think it’s the perfect companion for a positively refreshing person (like you). That’s because the fine mist of Febreze Fabric Refresher eliminates odors from fabric, air, and you, for freshness that fills your home. Luv, The Kittens at Fabulous Febreze . . .
Dear Febreze Kittens: We applaud your creative Joyce-like thinking. Kiss/hug. However, we’re a little concerned about possible private part infection since your product is made for household items and not people, cats, dogs, ferrets, or mice. Our loyalties remain with baby wipes.
(Joyceland ladies: we hope these ‘shower on the run’ tips over the past few days have been most helpful to you. Please continue to share your questions and concerns. We’re here to serve you.)
And in the media: Recently, Ms. O. Winfrey did a show encouraging us to spice up our handbags and footwear. Oh sugars, we could not relate. You know we’re just getting over our DKNY cozy debacle. Beauty makeovers are fine, but, of course a person is going to look better if you take them out of their gym shoes and dirty sweat suit and put them in spike heeled boots with a Posh Spice hairdo. Is this brain surgery? Who can walk around in boots like this?
Honestly, Oprah, is this how we’re supposed to grocery shop? We could wear these boots at the grocery store if we’re riding in a motorized scooter, but not if we’re walking.
Question of the Day: Have you ever experienced selective fatigue syndrome (SFS)? The Urban Dictionary defines SFS as ‘the feeling you get when you don’t want to perform certain undesirable tasks.’ Lately, we seem to be having SFS related to folding laundry. We wash and dry the laundry with a glad heart, but then it just seems to lay there on the floor in an extremely large pile. It’s fun to jump into, but not to fold . . .
We’re blaming our feelings on a recent bout with SFS. We’ve called the doctor and have made an appointment. We’ll let you know what she recommends.