Ladies of Joyceland: Happy December and all things party and fun and friendship to you. BTW, while you’re out shopping until you’re dropping, hold on tightly to your handbag. We had a bad sitch three years ago in the shoe department of the Boston Store. The crime happened while we were waiting for the shoe sales lady to bring us a sassy pair to try on . . . we were resting a bit . . . and taking in the sights and sounds of the hustle and bustle of the holiday season. (We enjoy being around all that bustle and hustle because we find it invigorating. Are you a little like that, too?) Anyway, there we sat . . . waiting for a pair of shoes to try on . . . and a Boston Store employee came walking behind us carrying a tray while shouting in a seductive holiday voice, “Would any shoppers like to enjoy a cookie?” Cookie!! Cookie?? Did someone say cookie? Our head spun around like that scene from The Exorcist. WE LOVE COOKIES. And we were hungry.
So, we jumped up and dashed not five feet over, grabbed a cookie and sat back down to enjoy the hustle, bustle, and the cookie. As we shoved the last crumb into our mouth we realized . . . our purse . . . was . . . gone. Snatched! Missing! Taken when our back was turned for not even four seconds while we grabbed an innocent little holiday treat! Bastards! Better yet, bitches! It had to be a woman because there were no men in sight! Nasty wench! We felt as if we’d been stripped naked for all to see — in the shoe department at the Boston Store. So, let this be a lesson to all–DON’T GO FOR THE COOKIE. No matter what–SAY NO TO THE COOKIE.
It’s an awful feeling to have your purse stolen. It’s creepy–they’ve got your wallet, your driver’s license, your lipstick, your pictures, your tampons, your baby wipes. Even Bulldog felt violated because his picture was in the missing wallet. And when this type of crime happens at Christmas when you’re feeling goodwill to all it suddenly turns into, “Those dirty sons of bitches.”
Was there a happy ending? Yes. The pleather handbag was found two months later in the woods behind the mall. All that went missing was eight dollars and two faux pair of diamond earrings that were to be given as fun hostess gifts. And here’s the beauty in the beast part of the story: pleather can take any weather. Pause a moment to let that little nugget sink in. A leather bag would have been stained and soaked and in BAD shape. But pleather? Pleather can survive anything. So, we’ve now affectionately named that stolen and then returned handbag ‘the bag of redemption.’ And anytime we need redeeming, we carry it. Sometimes we carry it a lot. Sometimes not so much. But we don’t ever go for the cookie. We aren’t gonna fall for that little trick again this holiday season. And now neither will you.