Posted by: Lori Schmidt Lutze | December 6, 2009

tiger woods, exedrin, kelly ripa, and jpk!! xo

We hate to admit it, but the day the Tiger Woods sitch broke . . . . Joyce immediately called it loudly and clearly (as only Joyce can do).  Yup——-last Friday Joyce said Elin Woods had probably put on her favorite golf skirt and visor and then hit the perfect shot with her hubby’s head as the ball . . .

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At 2:30 a.m. it had to be a glowhead-in-the-dark round, but with Tiger’s girlfriends popping out of the woodwork left and right, Elin had to git him while the gittin’ was good.  (We would have notified you immediately of Joyce’s clairvoyant proclamation of this truth, but we were riding on Disney’s Tower of Terror at the same time Joyce was leaving us the voicemail with her sordid opinions.) 

Here’s what we say to Mr. Pro Fancy Golfer . . . FORE!!  There was no doubt in Joyce’s mind that Tiger had been on the prowl . . . and Joyce does love Tiger, so the typical disgust at said crime set in. Stillpoint Sherrie and the Stillpoint girls (they’re a popular chick band), along with many in Joyceland, are standing in the crowd shouting, “Nice shot, Elin!”  Our golf pro friend, RickJoyce, claims the word among the pros is that Tiger was texting one of his little Birdies at 1:30 a.m. the night of said golf club attack.  And if that’s the case, ElinJoyce, we’re glad you took a whack at him and we invite you to escape to Joyceland–you deserve the comradery, girl.  P.S.  Even the Broads on XM radio think Tiger is less tiger and more PIG, and they’re pretty open-minded broads.

Did you hear that Kelly Ripa prefers to wash her hair just once every two weeks?  We like her better already.  She’s a little too sculpted and size double zero for us and sometimes she’s just too perky at 9 a.m.  As William Feather once said, “Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious.”  And the Feather always knows!  But now that Kelly has confessed to a possible infatuation with the baby wipe shower and semi-infrequent hair washing, we might invite her to guest host in Joyceland.

We were in Chicago the other day for a shopping trip and started a purse buying frenzy in Nordstrom.  Boy, was THAT sales girl happy she met the Joyceland girls.  Lucy started the hyper shopping feeding frenzy by purchasing her second JPK Paris 75 bag:

Fashionable.  Trendy.  Unique.  For the woman in the know.  (That’s what creator Jean-Pierre Klifa says.)  So, what do you think of HIM?

Jean-Pierre Klifa

He looks a little stiff, doesn’t he?  Well, we were buying what he was selling!!  Lucy started it off, then Stella bought her second JPK bag, then JeanJoyce.  Next, JeanJoyce decided to buy yet another one, of course we had to join in on the fun, and pretty soon anybody who was anybody within a two-mile radius was buying one, too.  Funny how that happens.  They come in a fantastic array of colors:  pewter, plum, sea-foam, kiwi, eggplant, straw . . .

And they count as one serving of vegetable and fruit per day, too!  Lucy and Stella hope to own all of them someday.  So . . . go on a ‘To me from me, With love’ buying spree and git yourself one, TOO!  Tell ’em Joyce sent you. 

With purses flying off the shelves it was as if all our friends and soon-to-be friends had gone positively cash cuckoo.  We felt a headache starting to brew and a headache will definitely kill any good shopping buzz you’ve got going on.  The only thing that will knock a headache out for us is Excedrin.  What works for you?  Because we didn’t have an Excedrin along for the ride we began schlepping for pills in the middle of the Big Ass Fancy Store.  We asked 67 women if they had an Excedrin in the bottom of their bag and only one had one–all the rest had Tylenol or Advil.  We think Excedrin needs to get going on their marketing strategy with Joyce as their spokeswoman.  Here’s the amazing thing about borrowing a pill: a woman can be carrying a handbag that costs $1,678 and she’ll keep her pills in a dirty ziplock bag at the bottom of her purse.  The Excedrin we devoured from the one lady had a chewed piece of gum and purse dirt stuck to it, but it worked for us.  Say it with us:  beggars can’t be choosers.  How ’bout you–any shopping or “husband texting his girlfriend” headaches???



  1. The Tiger Woods scandal (if you could call it that) has brought on the debate yet again regarding black men going after white women

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