Posted by: Lori Schmidt Lutze | December 12, 2009

dkny plus duct tape equals more pleasure

(Insignificant and super secret message:  if you’ve subscribed to Joyceland by e-mail or RSS feed, you have to click on the title of that day’s post in order to experience the snowfall—-which means you have to visit the blog site to get the snow.  We’ll admit, the snow is kinda pretty.    xo)


We’ve been seriously dreaming about Ferris Bueller since last time.  We want to pal around with him . . . to experience his Joyceman’s struggle to take it easy . . . to live with him where leisure rules . . . we think we’ve fallen in love.  At the very least, we like him, we really, really like him.  And that hair . . .

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 . . . it’s a good look that’s both easy to mow and has sex appeal. 

Okay, back to our holiday party debrief from last time.  Party #2, post root canal, had us enjoying a take-away theme.  You’ve been to a take-away party:  bring a gift and when it’s your turn you decide if you’ll open a virgin gift or steal from an unsuspecting BFF.  Women love the take-away because it’s like a little shopping and shoplifting put together.  You feel legal and illegal at the same time.  Sissy-in-law hosted a take-away the other night and the stealing went on for three hours and twenty-nine minutes.  Some of the more mature and drunk ladies took naps during the party, but in the end it was all good.  At our take-away, everyone kept stealing from JezebelJoyce and sweet Jezzie kept wanting to open all the new gifts.  We wonder what Christmas is like at her house?  Does she open EVERYTHING for EVERYBODY?  AndieJoyce, our hostess, had made enough delicious food to feed the Russian army.  That’s one of Joyce’s favorite sayings . . . “there was enough food for the Russian army.”  (And she likes to roll her tongue a little on the r part of Russian.)  We don’t think Joyce ever visited Russia, but she sure knows an awful lot about the eating habits of their army. 

HERE IS HOT HOLIDAY HOUSEKEEPING TIP #443:  Rita has been taking care of her hubby, Big W., after a recent surgery.  As Big W has been resting and relaxing, the bed sheet under his feet had worn through and ripped into a hole.  Friggin’ sheets.  Damn manrecuperation.  We all know what it’s like to take care of a sick guy . . . let’s add this to our list of Joyceland beeaatching for the future, shall we?  Anyway, Rita couldn’t get out to buy new sheets because she had a PARTY TO ATTEND.  That’s right, the lesson in all of this is:  GET OUT OF THE HOUSE AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE.  So, how did Rita solve the sheet hole problem?  She put on her creative thinking cap . . .

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. . . ate a box of Bugles and the solution came to her rather quickly and quietly:  duct tape.  She duct taped the tear in Big W.’s sheets.  As all creative Joyceland ladies know, duct tape is a vinyl, multi-purpose pressure sensitive tape with a soft and tacky pressure sensitive adhesive.  And today it’s available in a wide variety of colors.  Simply put, it’s MADE for sheets, panties, bra straps . . . anything that you’re too damn lazy to sew.  Duct tape–mama’s little secret helper.  Duct tape–it will keep almost anything together.  Sure Big W. moaned and groaned about wanting new sheets, but duct tape works over the mouth, too, doesn’t it?  We’re just saying it’s a viable option.

MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT ABOUT THE COZY: Remember when EmJoyce was all happy about her new cozy (11/12 and 11/14 posts)??  Our honest impression:  the cozy was more trouble to put on than Spanx!  And we’ve already damned Spanx in Joyceland.  Truth be told, we were forced to dial 911 after attempting to try out several of the versatile styles that the cozy offers.  After a brief hospital stay due to cozy injuries, we ending up re-buying one because StellaJoyce showed us how to wrap ourselves up like a mummy.  It worked for us–especially with the latest cold weather snap and all.  And after that style lesson, Stella and Lucy attacked every TJ Maxx within a sixty mile radius to buy up any and all remaining cozies at the bargain price of $49.99.  This was done with a stylish vengeance. 

We’ve become convinced that the cozy works on all sizes and shapes–which is very important to Joyce.  Plus, you don’t need anything else in your wardrobe.  One pair of pants and one cozy  equals forty-nine looks.  Very Joyce-venient.  So here’s the HOT TIP if you go to TJ looking for one:  get yourself to the sweater section and lay on the floor, if you see any sweater parts hanging close to the floor–JACKPOT–you’ve found yourself a cozy.  Stella tried this and found eight cozies, but had to have the store manager come over and do the lift and pull to get her vertical again. 

Now, after hearing all of this, do you want to get cozy with a cozy?  It could make your season merry and bright!  The video below is for anyone, like us, who buys a cozy and has no idea what to do with it.  Pay no attention to the model’s face–she’s a little unhappy because she hasn’t had a burger in months:



  1. Ok, I know I am just a hayseed from southern Illinois but the Cozy reminds me of a mini-toga. You know, the kind of toga that the the beautiful girls would wear to toga parties in college so they were still beautiful even drunk. The not-so-beautiful girls, myself included, would simply rip the fitted sheet off of the bed, cut a hole in it somewhere and waala, a toga and off to the party we would go. My mom did think it strange that for Christmas every year I asked for new sheets for my twin XL bed but after birthing 5 kids in 7 years she learned that she didn’t always want answers to her questions.

  2. We call those types of “stealing parties” yankee swaps- no idea why. Maybe because we’re from massachusetts?

    “Happy SITS Saturday Sharefest”

  3. I think the model looks like a cat. Not that it has anything to do with the Cozy… I think the model just got over-Botoxed in the mouth area. She really is smiling, but she can only smile with her eyes. Don’t you see it? Sometimes she looks likes she’s even blowing us kisses with her eyes!

    The cozy has some very valid good “looks.” However, the demo babe should’ve stopped while she was ahead. Who’s going to tie a knot in back (sorry, gentle knot) and then be able to sit comfortably with a knot in their back or sit comfortably without leaning back on a chair for three hours? KISS…

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