Posted by: Lori Schmidt Lutze | December 22, 2009

tips for fine living

Joyce is down with a bit of a Christmas cold.  This happens to her occasionally when she’s been a party hoppin’ fool and enjoying too much hot creamy sausage dip.  As always, however, she’ll get her mojo back quickly and will be seen driving off into the sunset to attend yet another holiday bash.

JillJoyce says no to bathing in sea salt caramels.  Well, it’s a good thing because Crate and Barrel is sold out of the decadent little treasures.  JillJoyce prefers to bathe in red wine.  The added bonus to a red wine bath is that it turns you a festive color for special parties.

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Oh-she-knows-how-to-live Olivia offers all Joyce devotees her super secret and lucky top ten strategies for surviving these last days of December:

1. Avoid any and all carrot sticks until January 1. Anybody who puts carrots on a holiday table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you spot any carrots, leave that house immediately and run for the hills.  Or wherever they’re serving rum balls. 

2.  Put gravy on everything.  Gravy does not stand-alone. Pour it on.  Leftover gravy makes a nice facial cleanser, too.   It plumps up the skin.

3. Don’t have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your appetite.  The whole point of going to a holiday party is to eat other people’s food for free.  Women’s magazines that instruct ladies to eat before a party are written for freaks.  Boycott any magazines with this type of advice as it goes against the very heart and soul of Joyce.    

4. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and the fifteenth of January.  You will have nothing else to do in January, so that’s the time to begin exercising.  December is the time for EXCESS not EXERCISING. 

5.  Have as many Red Velvet cake orgasms between now and the New Year as possible.  Go for your own personal record.  Red Velvet orgasms reduce wrinkles by 87%.   

6.  If crazy cousin Louise (who happens to be a non-Joycelander and prefers to be called Lou) is driving you crazy, take JillJoyce’s advice and start bathing in red wine.  You’ll find that semi-awful people become semi-likeable after a red wine bath. 

7. Have some standards and avoid all fruitcake.  Fruitcake belongs with Halloween, not Christmas.  It’s scary.

8.  If you don’t have time to get to the store to get your kid’s teacher a gift, shove some cash in an envelope and write on the outside “Imaginary gift card to . . .”  Teachers love to use their imaginations.  They’re all about creativity. 

9.  While you are enjoying lots of delicious holiday meals, pay no attention to commercials for a diet drug called Alli.  This diet pill is not your ally unless you enjoy changing poopy panties.  Enough said.

10.  Your Bumpits will help you get through any challenging holiday situation with both style and class.  Who can resist you with that darling hair POOF?  Nobody, that’s who.

Do share your favorite tips with us so that our holiday will be more merry and bright . . .



  1. I can’t stop laughing! You are the “new” Erma Bombeck. Keep it comin’

  2. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Eunice Reyes, katherine. katherine said: tips for fine living « Escape to Joyceland: Your Bumpits will help you get through any challenging holiday situ.. […]

  3. Yes, I have a bumpit. I’m golden!

    I agree with all your rules. And….I hope you get to feeling better!

  4. Love it! Merry Christmas!

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