We are now an official A. C. Nielsen family. No, we haven’t left Spike for that very attractive Mr. Nielsen down the block, but we were asked to keep track of our television viewing habits for one week. The pay? Five measly, but perfectly crisp, fresh, green American dollars. When’s the last time you held a brand new dollar bill in your hand? The money is so pretty and clean that we’ve considered framing it. But let’s just be honest and say that keeping track of viewing the telly is hard work and worth a lot more than five bucks. First, you have to place a diary next to each television in your home. This counts as semi-exercise and burns a total of 23 and a half calories. Throughout the week you must document your viewing by writing down the channel, the time, the show, and the identity of the viewer–every time you watch something. You wouldn’t believe it–but it’s a real pain in the ass. So much so that there were times when we wanted to watch TV, but we avoided it because we didn’t feel like writing in the diary. Hey, who is calling who lazy?
Back in the day when we taught Mass Media to high school students we challenged every student and family to give up television viewing for one week. Out of 90 students in the program we had one taker–a family of four. The other 89 families shared a dirty little secret: give up the telly for a full week and you’re having to entertain the naughties 24/7. No thank you!! The one family who did volunteer were very clean-cut and were featured on the front page of the local paper along with . . . moi. But celebrity status for two days is hardly worth the agony of no television babysitting or mindless veg time. Let’s be honest. Oh yeah, a lot of people brag about how they don’t watch any television. They think they’re so intellectual and superior. But we’re not buying what they’re selling. You’ve got to wonder about people who brag about weird shit: they never watch TV, they ALWAYS have hot sex, and their bra always matches their panties. People like that have ego problems too big to address in Joyceland.
So, now our television viewing habits have been documented and submitted for the scholars to analyze at Nielsen. Here’s the truth that we shared with them: Bulldog loves SpongeBob, Spike loves 24, and we love Larry King. Not in a sexual way, but we like interviews. We dream about being the interviewer, but in the world of demographics we’re beginning to skew old so it may not be a real career possibility for us.
And what say you about that sassy looking Senator Scott Brown from Massachusetts? Even Whoopi Goldberg is going ga-ga over him. In 1982 he posed nude for the centerfold of Cosmopolitician, ah-hemmm, we mean Cosmopolitan. He was just a 22-year-old law student cramming for something back then . . .
We’re sharing the Senator in Joyceland for your viewing pleasure—so please come back and visit him anytime you need a little somethin’ somethin’.
Have you ever been asked to pose nude for a magazine? Neither have we. But as Joyce has always said regarding this wasted opportunity, “It’s their loss. I’ve got it and they’ve missed it.”