How does one stay inwardly and outwardly beautiful in today’s world? Well, it ain’t easy. There are freaks surrounding you at every turn and kooks in People magazine. Heidi Montag, Joan Rivers, and many others have gone completely cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. No, in today’s crazy world you’ve got to keep your head about you and focus on the important things: friends, fun, and doing a little something here and there to keep your packaging updated. Here are a few Joyceland favorites to help you stay in the game:
1. Frenchie suggests that you tape a note to your mirror which says, “Hullo Beauty” or “Look at you, StudMan.” Research indicates that when you send yourself messages like this, you become a believer. And it’s true. Whenever Frenchie sends me an e-mail, she always begins with “Hullo Beauty” and I drink of the Frenchie Kool-aid and become a believer.
2. The fabulous Sassy Cher (and no, she’s not the one who was married to Sonny) suggests whipping up a batch of egg whites and brushing them on the face before going out. She recommends resting in a horizontal position post application for ten minutes to let the whites ‘set.’ The horizontal position renews your attitude and the whites tighten the face prior to cleansing and applying make-up. She says the whites will make you look party ready and younger by at least a decade.
3. I suggest scotch taping your facial wrinkles at bedtime. It is best to use matte finish magic scotch tape as it seems to adhere well, but not present too many problems during a.m. removal. This tip comes from my grandma, the late and electric Elmira Wagenknecht, Joyce’s mom. Myra found that she’d wake up in the morning and discover lines that weren’t on her face when she went to bed. Because she lived through the Great Depression she used her c-r-e-a-t-i-v-i-t-y. You see, a little scotch tape on certain creases disturbs the pattern of pillow face smash. This is a golden tip and should be treasured and put into practice immediately.
4. Walshy firmly believes that ta-tas are meant to stick out. Beauty is all about posture, posture, posture. And so “ta-tas out” has become her mantra. This works for men, too. When you live by this tip, your belly begins to shrink and people notice you. Even if you have really little ta-tas or small man breasts. And with “ta-tas out” you’ll be able to balance a beer on your head, as Cute Kate has demonstrated while dancing at parties. Make “ta-tas out” your mantra today.
5. My other grandma, the late and great Elzbeth, thought it important to rolling pin her cellulite. She kept a rolling pin in her underwear drawer and rolling pinned her ass and upper thighs once a day. She considered it to be an exercise vitamin. Here’s how it works: the rolling pin action breaks up any fat that’s collected under your skin. Plus, you aren’t that interested in making pie crust after you’ve used the rolling pin on your ass.
6. Dr. Tall FreshMouth, my dentist BFF, believes a fresh mouth keeps you young and deliriously attractive. Before hitting the threads at night, he says you must floss and then brush. Do not brush and then floss because plaque will remain. Dr. FreshMouth says you have to do these steps in the proper order. Once you’ve flossed and brushed, then you rinse with a mouthwash. The fourth step in this little ceremony is a quick rinse with ACT. Yes, you need lots of equipment for this tip, but Dr. Tall promises, “A fresh mouth will find you many lovers and fans in this life.”
7. And as long as we’re talking beauty, we cannot forget to consider my idol, Audrey Hepburn. Awww . . . don’t you just love her . . .
Here’s an excerpt from Audrey’s favorite poem which was written by Sam Levenson:
Time Tested Beauty Tips
For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.
People, even more than things, have to be restored,
renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone.
Remember, if you ever need a helping hand,
you will find one at the end of each of your arms.
As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands;
one for helping yourself, and the other for helping others.
So, Joycelanders, tell us your favorite beauty secrets! And did I mention that I’ve always thought that you’ve really got it going on?