Posted by: Lori Schmidt Lutze | February 24, 2010

The Case of the Anonymous Poo and Porn

I went for a walk in the winter wonderland yesterday and was greeted by three sets of anonymous turds along the path behind my house.  The snow was fresh and white.  The poo-poo was fresh and brown.  Now, I’m not one to take things personally right out of the gate, but to be greeted by turd after turd after turd in the morning is no way to meet the day. 

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Last summer I found an empty box of hardcore porn on the exact spot of the poo sightings.  It was a warm summer day and I was embarking on a little walk to the pond.  Suddenly I came upon an empty box covered in nasty pictures titled “HARDCORE PORN 2.”  This was a case for Joyce so I called her, but as usual, she was out.  What should I do?  I blushed.  I looked around.  I pulled my unders out of my butt crack.  Should I leave it there so that Bulldog or other children might find it?  Judging from the graphics on the outside of the box, this wasn’t a good idea.  So I picked it up and carried it for two miles.  (True confession:  I had to pee in the woods that day and I haven’t had to pee in the woods for at least a decade.  So there I was peeing in the woods holding an empty box of hardcore porn . . . “Officer, really, I was just trying to be helpful.”) 

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But back to the poo.  Why don’t people pick up their dog poop?  It’s the one thing that keeps me from getting a dog.  Bulldog is dying for a pooch.  But the turds.  They’re a constant problem.  

Rayrose claims that it’s not difficult to be a dog owner.  He picks up two batches of moisties every day.  Plus, he has poo tongs which are great because he can stand a few feet away from the do-do.  He loves to fling the turds up and over the fence into his neighbor’s yard.  He also claims there’s nothing worse than being caught on a walk without a plastic bag.  He admits that last week he had to employ a stick, to which he did doth flick, chosen turds onto the wall, of city hall. 

And so it seems that most dog lovers, in general, enjoy having a little fun with their dog’s poo-poo.  I guess I could become a dog owner and join in on that party.  

But back to the anonymous poo and porn that were left for me on the walking trail.  How do I solve the mystery of those surprise droppings?  In Nancy Drew’s Guide to Life I found these inspirations:

“Aggressiveness will not earn you an invitation to sit at the popular table.”        —The Clue in the Old Stagecoach

“Carry a police whistle to scare off creeps.”       —The Secret of the Forgotten City

Gosh.  Like Joyce, Nancy tells it like it is.  And I do want to sit at the popular table.  But I don’t want to find poo and porn on my neighborhood path.  Maybe I’ll start wearing a whistle and just give it a big blow the next time I come across something suspicious.  Until then I guess I’ll just have to start wearing my poo-porn kicking boots . . .

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Responses

  1. Well, the snow was beautiful, in spite of the poo.:) Just stopping by from SITS.

  2. Oh my , that was funny. I can’t imagine having a box like that on our street. The dog poo is another story. We have two dogs and I make our son clean the yard. I haven’t even thought about what he is doing with it. Now, I need to know….


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