Watching the Academy Awards is typically one of my very favorite things to do. After all, I used to teach The Film to some crazy high school kids. You might know how they loved James Dean and Rebel Without a Cause.
Every year, at the very least, I see the five Best Picture nominees. It’s tradition. A hobby. And I’ve always loved it. Joyce? Not so much. Joyce does not want to sit and watch depressing films like The Hurt Locker. She wants to laugh and make merry, not be reminded of war or blue people who live on Pandora. She’ll attend your Oscar party, not because of the Oscars, but because it’s a party.
This year the Academy decided that instead of five Best Picture nominees, there would be 10. And that’s when all my problems began. It was way too much work for this Joycelander to see 10 Best Picture nominees. It was becoming a part-time job for no pay. Besides, this year’s films were underwhelming. I think James Cameron is a conceited ass and Joyce thinks his hair is just plain awful.
Here’s the honest truth: I just couldn’t make screening 10 Best Picture nominees work for me. And I gave up. 10 is over the top in so many ways. Here are nine more ways that 10 is a problem:
1. Joyce is partial to Dots and I adore the Reese’s Cup. But eating 10 boxes of Dots or 10 Reese’s Cups will give you a bellyache. We know. We’ve tried it.
2. Now that I own a newly recalled Toyota RAV4 with an acceleration problem, I get scared and have begun to drive just 10 miles per hour. 10 mph is s-l-o-w, but if I drive any faster I worry that my accelerator is going to take me places I don’t want to go. Oh, the places I don’t want to go in my recalled Toyota.
3. Sheila has a class reunion this summer and has begun to do 10 workouts a week. She’s walking, spinning, weightlifting, tennising, arm wrestling, boxing, singing, body buffing, eyelash growing, and aerobicizing. It’s exhausting to watch her. And she’s doing those 10 workouts with the hopes of impressing a high school boyfriend who spent time in prison.
4. Tiger’s 10 women is just eight too many. We can all understand one or two. We don’t like it, but we can live with it. But 10?
5. Olivia’s 10 sausage stew may taste good, but does she need to throw every cured meat known to mankind in one pot? Spam, Slim Jims, Italians, beef jerky, brats, summer sausage, weiners, bacon, and two versions of her own personal mystery meat in one pot worries me. It just does.
6. Have you seen the jewelry ads for Silpada? The woman in one ad was shown wearing at least 10 necklaces. Yes, Joyce used to wear more jewelry than Mr. T., too, but that’s so yesterday . . .
7. Steph has begun clearing out her ‘unwanteds’ and selling them for 10 bucks each on Craig’s List. The other day we finished our tennis match and she met a guy in the lobby of the Club to sell him a helmet for 10 bucks. Then she called my cell and bragged, “10 bucks richer, baby.” I’m trying to get her into a 10 step program.
8. Is losing 10 pounds the most difficult thing you’ve ever tried to do? Enough said.
9. Bo Derek. 10.
After that movie came out, who could get a date for at least a decade? Every guy was looking to meet Bo, the 10.
So, as you can see, 10 is a real problem. And I hope Oscar will reconsider for next year. How about you? Is 10 driving you crazy, too?