Posted by: Lori Schmidt Lutze | March 15, 2010

The Madness of March

Do wonders ever cease?  Is March filled with complete madness?  Here is today’s really big news:  Joyce finally has an e-mail account and laptop.  Let’s celebrate with an appropriate song . . . 

Yes, it’s true–and she’s putting on a full-court press.  Joyce and The Bobster are finally able to surf the net with reckless abandon.  I didn’t know if this day would ever come.  Joyce admits that hell hath indeed frozen over with this latest turn of events.  Let’s hope that we’ll get an occasional comment from her royal Joyceness–our founding mother–so we can ponder her magnificent perspective and continue in our quest for living the Joyce lifestyle.

Yesterday, as I walked along the path where I found the mysterious hardcore porn and dastardly doggie droppings (2/24 post), I came upon a crumpled up grocery list.  WOW, I thought.  A new development in the case.  The crime scene appeared to be undisturbed.  Was the grocery list an important clue in the Mystery of the Hardcore Porn and Poo?  My inner Nancy Drew emerged once again. 

nancy_drew.jpg Nancy Drew image by NSBee123

I quickly ran home to get my latex gloves and Nancy Drew’s Guide to Life.  I knew the gloves would prevent me from compromising the crime scene.  Any idiot knows that much.  I refreshed my lipstick because The Mystery of the Fire Dragon confirmed that “lipstick is not just for looking glamorous; it can be used to signal for help on windows or other surfaces.”  I put a tube of OPI lip colour ‘Up the Amazon Without a Paddle’  in my pocket and I was ready for some sleuthing. 

View Image

Back at the crime scene with gloves on, I uncrumpled the grocery list.  There were dark brown spots all over it.  My antenna went up.  Was this poo-poo or dirt?  The Secret in the Old Attic suggested I “take careful note of distinct odors as they can prove to be valuable clues.”  I gave the grocery list the old snifferoo test–not once, but twice to be sure the results would be accurate.  Indeed, the brown spots proved to be dirt.  And lots of it.  This was disturbing. 

Next I scanned the grocery list.  The Case of the Whistling Bagpipes reminded me that “bold, vertical handwriting usually belongs to a literary person, and jerky, slanted-to-the-right letters are a sign of nervousness.”  The penmanship on the list was small and neat, almost calligraphy-like.  The writer of the list was obviously a neat-nick weirdo.  Probably a  porn watching kook who doesn’t pick up their dog poo.  I was feeling confident and smart.

The items on the grocery list were equally disturbing.  Here’s what the porn poo person was reminding himself to buy at the store:

Del Monte Pears

Kraft Singles


Stuffed Chicken Breasts

Oral B Toothbrush

Vitamin Water


What a total sicko!  As my mind went wild with speculation regarding the porn poo person, I remembered The Hidden Staircase cautioning that “the best way to clear one’s mind is to commune with nature.”  I took a moment to breathe deeply and then I made eye contact with two squirrels and a cardinal . . .

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There.  I felt much better.

But back to the grocery list.  Singles, stuffed breasts, Oral B, Crisco?  This was a seriously raunchy list.  We’re probably talking about a serial killer type.  They’re always looking for singles, aren’t they?  And buying breasts that are stuffed is just plain creepy.  The Oral B is a puzzler.  But we’ve already established that he’s a neat-nick clean freak.  And Crisco?  That’s kinky as hell.

So, it’s been a big news day in Joyceland.  Sheer madness in March.  Joyce is now an Internet girl and we’re getting closer to catching the porn poo killer.  We’ll see what tomorrow brings.  Because in Joyceland wonders never cease.



  1. I love looking at discarded grocery lists. One day, I’m going to buy all that stuff for my own.

  2. Absolutely dumfounded and so excited at the Big Joyce Ann news. Who sez you can’t teach an old dog etc. ? However we are in for a lotta bitchen,til she masters it .

    • You’ve got that right, Jukey—-we’re in for a whole lotta yellin…………

  3. Could you send me her e-mail address (via e-mail) ,so I can rattle her cage a little ??

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