Posted by: Lori Schmidt Lutze | March 22, 2010

There’s Always the Possibility of a Birthday Breakdown

Thanks for asking—yes, things are going swimmingly with my new beau, Mr. Acura RDX.  So far so good.  Oh, he’s a nice ride—there’s no question about that.  I love that he remembers how I like my driver’s seat to be positioned and that he provides lumbar support.  He’s really thoughtful that way.  Spike even commented that RDX has a really long key . . .

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Its length is kind of shocking, isn’t it?  A long key appeals to many women.  Some even say, “Once you go long, you never go wrong.”  Spike doesn’t really mind that I’m dating my car.  And Bulldog, well, he’s just along for the ride.  He doesn’t care what he rides in as long as he gets to go someplace and do something.  Anything.

What do you think of birthdays?  Joyce has been known to wail and gnash teeth over certain birthdays.  One year when I was sixteen, Krollie-ental and I walked through the kitchen while Joyce was ironing and wailing.  Actually, there was more wailing going on than ironing.  Was she wailing because she was ironing or because it was her birthday?  Truth be told it was probably a little of both.  That was before she threw out the iron.  But on that particular day she was really wailing, “Oooooooooooooohhhhhh my Gawd, I’m having another birthday.  OHHHHHHHHHH . . . MY . . . Gaaawwwd, I’m forty.  OHhHhHhHhHhMYGawd.”  Krollie-ental and I gave Joyce a few laughs and then we ran back to our sixteen year old lives.  “Joyce is really freaking out,” a wide-eyed Krollie suggested.  “Do you think 40 is that bad?”  I didn’t know.  It sure sounded bad.  Was my mom having a birthday breakdown?  When you’re sixteen you just don’t get it.

I always end March with my birthday week.  It’s a little something I do to say so long to winter.  My week-long birthday extravaganza began last Friday with Dexie.  We headed out in her Pacer convertible and caused some real trouble . . .

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It was way too much fun.  Dexie should never have put that jug of margaritas in the back seat.

So this is how the actual week itself is shaping up:  lunch, dollar bill coffee, lunch, ballet and appetizers, long lunch, two parties (not for me, but for other lovely ladies), breakfast, and a night out.  Pretty nice, huh?  And since Spanx have been damned in Joyceland, how am I going to fit into my clothes after it’s all over without a pair of power panties to hold everything in? 


Time will tell, I guess.  I contacted Father Blue Eyes to see if he could schedule a liturgical feast for my special day, but he said it wouldn’t be appropriate.  I also looked into a bat mitzvah, but I’m too old. 

Here’s the celebrity scoop:  I share a birthday with Nancy Pelosi, Diana Ross, and Aerosmith’s Steve Tyler.  Pelosi has invited me to a ‘lunch and learn’ at the White House, but I’m too busy.  Steve Tyler called and talked to me about walking this way:

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Besides our birthday, we have much in common and wear the same shade of lipstick.  He’s a fun and crazy birthday pal.  Steve has encouraged me to dream on with sweet emotion as I approach another year.  He’s such a greatest hits kind of guy. 

Diana Ross called, too.  She and the Supremes sang to me about my breakup with Toyota.  Those Supremes really had the moves, didn’t they?  How’d they manage to stay so trim without Spanx?  Do you think, like me, they dated their cars?  These are the questions that keep me up at night.  As you can see, this particular week is shaping up nicely.  What’s your favorite way to celebrate getting another year older? 



  1. Happy Birthday!!! and Many Happy Returns of the Day 🙂

    Birthdays always seem to end up rather bittersweet for me. Things like being at a convention for my sweet 16 but the flowers Mom sent never got to the right part of the hotel, spending 18 at Disney for Grad Night with a schmucky boyfriend, 21 I failed my driver’s test before it even began (passed the next day), and for 30 I threw my own party (want something done right…) and a pill of a guest played prima donna all night.

    But I still look forward to it, every year, and one of these days I will be celebrated as is my due 😉

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