Here are 12 things that surprised me on vacation while visiting Joyce in Del Boca Vista . . .
1. There are no worries if you don’t get a good night’s sleep in Florida. Here’s what you do: put a pillow in your car and nap at any traffic light. Most red lights last at least ten minutes which is more than enough time for a snooze.
2. Laziness is the name of the game. No cooking, no cleaning, no changing your clothes. No wigs are allowed—a baseball cap hides all hair. And if you paste a few rhinstones on your cap, you can even become semi-fancy.
3. Certain stores play disco Abba on steroids as background music. Is this because the average Del Boca Vistan needs to be woken up? When disco Abba on steroids is playing loudly in the background, you become caffeinated and frantically purchase anything you can get your hands on. It’s a problem.
4. Alligators like marshmallows. That’s why they smile at you–they’re waiting for the marshmallow toss. If you throw a marshmallow at them, they open up their big choppers and CHOMP. They also enjoy rice krispie treats. BTW–did you know the Everglades is the largest subtropical wilderness in the United States? Let us pause for a moment and savor the educational value of this information.
5. Bulldog kept a vacation journal called ‘Diary of a Vacation Kid.’ I was only mentioned once, Spike was mentioned twice and his grandparents weren’t mentioned at all. Cheeseburgers were discussed at length and so was Congo River mini golf. This is disturbing.
6. Chicago hard rolls and lite liverwurst make a delicious breakfast.
7. Joyce’s condo building held a party and the meal was served at 4:30 p.m. We arrived at 4:48 p.m. and were given leftovers.
8. I refer to one of Joyce’s favorite lady friends as ‘triple coiffe.’ I call her ‘triple coiffe’ because she is always supremely coiffed. Even at the pool. Even in 92 degree heat. You just can’t take the coiffe out of some people, no matter how much you tease them. And that’s why I wear lipstick to Walking Club. I enjoy a little semi-coiffe now and then.
9. All of the locals have Bobbie as part of their name. They go by BillieBobbie, JimmyBobbie, BobbieBobbie, and SissyBobbie. Joyce is considering JoyceBobbie, but she hasn’t made a final decision yet.
10. Lots of the Del Boca folks have invested in hardware: new knees, new hips, and new toilet handle levers. Walkers are in abundance.
11. Bulldog made a lot of money off of Del Boca Vista swears. He charged 25 cents a swear and when he heard one he shouted, “I heard that.” Let this be a warning: if he catches you in a swear, you owe him a quarter. He made $25.75 over the course of a Del Boca week.
12. Bulldog and Spike held a baby alligator. I did not. I offered to hold an alligator handbag, but they didn’t have one of those at CoreyBobbie’s Airboat Tours.
And now that I’ve been Del Boca-ized, I’ve got to try to re-enter the real world. Do I have your sympathy?