Posted by: Lori Schmidt Lutze | April 30, 2010

I’ll take Betty White, two dimples, and a few wrinkles, please!

Yesterday The New York Times ran a sassy story on how Hollywood is re-visiting the au naturale look!  Is that Joyce I see sitting on the Hollywood sign bellowing, “Saints be praised . . .”

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I think it is!  Is it true that natural is back in style in the land of celebrities o’ plenty?  Maybe, just maybe.  Remember that cute Heidi Montag before her ten cosmetic procedures in a 24 hour period?  Well, tsk-tsk, it seems that Hollywood would rather have her old look as opposed to her new look:

Poor Heidi Montag—-she’s OUT and Betty White and Joyce are IN . . .

And what about moustaches on eight year olds?  Appropriate or not?  Last Saturday morning when Bulldog came downstairs, there was the faint appearance of a moustache above his upper lip.  Holy Guatemalan hormones, Catwoman!  Could his already be raging?  Quick, call Nancy Drew and ask her to solve The Case of the Moustached Mouseketeer.  Or please just say it isn’t so, dear Joycelanders!  If my sweet Guatemalan treasure is already sporting a ‘stache at the tender age of eight, we’re all in big, big trouble . . .

I had absolutely no choice in this situation, but to take the Bulldog by the horns.  Spike is just no good in these types of circumstances. 

I began by questioning Bulldog gently and lovingly.  I said with my best straight face, “Bulldog, when you went to bed last night you were moustache free and this morning it looks like you’ve sprouted facial hair . . .”   “No,” he replied, “No, I don’t have a moustache!” and then he ran up to his room trembling.  I headed out for a breakfast buffet to try to recover from the stress.  Two hours later, after eating an omelet the size of a football, I returned to my interrogation of Bulldog.  “Bulldog,” I said, “are you sure you didn’t draw a mustache on your face when you woke up this morning?”  “Aaaaah,” came his reply, “now I might be remembering something.”  (Did you know that Guatemalans have notoriously short memories?  Well, I didn’t either.)  “What happened . . .  was that . . . I think . . . I might have . . . maybe . . . drawn . . .  a mustache . . . on myself with a dry erase marker,” he stammered, “I think maybe that’s what might have happened.”

Ah, the hand drawn pencil mustache . . .

It looked okay on Gomez Adams, but Bulldog?  I’m also alarmed that The New York Times recently reported 18% of all tween girls ages 8-12 are now regularly wearing mascara and eyeliner. 

Have we all gone mad?  Ten cosmetic procedures in one day?  Mustaches on mini people?  Mascara and eyeliner on fresh faces?  It’s sacrilege.  Please, dear God, just give me Betty.  Betty White with two dimples, a few age appropriate wrinkles on the side . . . and a beer chaser.

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Responses

  1. I watched ‘The Hills’ w/ my daughter and when I saw Heidi I gasped, covered my mouth then immediately covered my eyes. She looks sooooo freaky; it kinda makes my teeth sweat. Yuck!

    Re: Bulldog, the mustache and his little white lie…it’s kinda what they do..those kids… i.e. put unpopped kernels of corn up their noses and act mystified as to how they got there; use bleach to clean up throw-up on the carpeting and say, ‘what spot?’. Their first instinct is to deny,deny, deny.

  2. dang fun story man.

  3. I love Betty White! She was so hilarious in The Proposal, and I love my Golden Girls. She even sent some flowers with a note attached to Rue McClanahan in the hospital saying, “I hope you die. I want to be the last Golden Girl!” Haha, of course, I imagine she was fooling around. But she’s just great. Hollywood would do good to take some tips. And don’t even get me started on Heidi Montag. She was just a disappointment.


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