Today I offer a quiz that reveals if you’re a true Joycelander. It’s quick, easy, and very informative. To hell with all those expensive and time-consuming personality tests. This one will tell you everything you need to know about yourself. Why waste time and money in therapy? Let the Joyceland Insight into Personality or JIP teach you about your shortcomings and help direct what you need to change about yourself.
The JIP, in true Joyce fashion, asks only one question. How easy is that? This all important question asks you to reflect upon your childhood in order to reveal your deepest and darkest secrets. I hate to break it to you, but your childhood, unless you seek Joyce’s help, can set an unpleasant tone for the rest of your life.
Ready? Here is the question: When you were young, were you the child on the left or the right?
Let’s begin our analysis with the child on the right. Her dress is a little too long and her pony tail is a touch too tight. Her hair has no shine or fullness. Her arm is positioned in such a way as to say, “Oh my, I’d better go tell mother.” Her straight legged stance is matronly, uncertain, and lacking in confidence. Her life is just one big set of rules. And it’s probably her mother’s fault. I hate to say it, but it’s true. Little Ms. Rightie appears to be watching life happen all around her rather than participating in its fun and juvenile enjoyments.
Now let’s examine the little lady on the left. She is wearing a hat. Hats scream, “Whoo hoo, lookie at me! Am I the life of the party, or what?” She has curly hair. Curls always spell a g-o-o-d t-i-m-e! Notice our party girl is sucking a nuk-nuk. This indicates she’s probably been born with a silver spoon in her mouth (not a bad thing). A little nuk-nuk always indicates a fondness for Dirty Martinis in later years. Little Miss Fun’s knees are slightly bent which means she is not rigid or too well-organized. And finally, she is enjoying watching her dress lift and blow here, there, and everywhere. This girl will always find the location of the party. Always. She’s the one everyone wants to watch. She’s the one everyone wants to have as a friend.
So, which little lady were you? Now, you righties, stop crying this minute. If you were the one on the right, there is hope—but you need to take immediate action. First of all, in order to change yourself you’ll want to enter into the archives of Joyceland and read a post a day. Like a vitamin. Meditate on Joyce’s wisdom. Pray about the lessons you learn from Joyce. Secondly, put the picture of the two girls on your bathroom mirror and every morning upon waking affirm: I am the girl on the left. The result? Little by little, every day in every way, you’ll find yourself breaking out of your dull shell and living a life of frivolity and madness . . . .
(This therapy session has been brought to you by Joyce. If you begin to experience laughter, outrageous scenarios, and tinkle in your panties fun—-don’t call your doctor, call Joyce.)