Posted by: Lori Schmidt Lutze | May 28, 2010

Guaranteed to give you the ass of J-Lo

Oh, I’m jealous of you empty nesters, childless wonders, and people with kids who are slugs in the morning.  Bulldog has been waking before 6 again, is dressed by 6:10, and wants to be out riding his bike by 6:15.  It’s madness.  This early riser crap makes me want to bonk him over the head.  I opened my bedroom door the other morning at 5:47 and screamed, “Who’s making so much noise?”  Then I slammed the bedroom door for effect.  Maybe I should call Billy, the bus driver, to see if Bulldog can get picked up every morning at the start of Billy’s route.  Bulldog and Billy can team up to make sure all school children arrive promptly by the first bell.  This could be Bulldog’s special gift to the world.  Or maybe he could ride his bike behind Billy’s bus while making arm farts to delight the lucky child riders.  I’m just brainstorming how to get through the next two weeks because summer vacation is on its way and I’m already worn out.

I am definitely a believer in year round school.  One time another mom told me she loved summer because then her kids could join her on shopping trips and at the grocery store.  I’ve avoided talking to that woman ever since.  I hide when I see her coming.

Olivia was in a funk the other day because body maintenance has taken over her life.  Can you relate?  It took her an entire day to pluck all the hairs that needed plucking.  Stray hairs grow in very strange places once you’re 30.  And she had to use special glasses in order to find where the hairs were that needed plucking.  It took her 53 minutes just to find the glasses.  Then everything on her body had to be buffed.  Moisturizing took three hours and she used four different creams.  Wrinkle creams go on certain spots, firming creams on others.  Age spot fading creams are applied to specific areas and bronzing creams target all alabaster flesh.  Trimming back her Virginia took 45 minutes.  And we all know that’s a dirty job.  Toenails needed repainting and her son who is working for a painter this summer wouldn’t help.  At all.  Using her PedEgg –the ultimate foot file as seen on TV–to remove callouses took another half hour . . .

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And when the entire body maintenance ceremony was over, she wasn’t real happy with what she had to show for all that effort. It’s no wonder that women start to morph into men as they age, it’s just easier that way . . . 

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I can’t decide if I should write a bestseller or continue blogging.  Bestsellers are so predictable.  First, you have to travel a lot and promote your book.  Think of all the parties you miss when you’re on the road.  Then you have to get interviewed by Baba Wawa, Meredith, or Oprah.  It would be agonizing to choose who gets the interview.  I think Meredith seems the most fun . . .

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I’ll keep you posted on my blog/bestseller dilemma.  In the meantime, I’m off to apply some J-Lo Super Sassy Derriere cream to my ass.  It’s guaranteed to make my hinder look just like J-Lo’s in six weeks or less.



  1. Mornings should be outlawed. In my perfect world nothing would exist (aside from the occasional brunch–with plenty of Mimosas or Bellinis!) before noon. Alas, this is only my Saturday world for now.

    For now…

    Those pedegg things just make my stomach curl (and not in the way that burns fat and builds muscle). I can’t get over the fact that it’s basically a cheese grater for your feet. Ew! I’ll stick to pumice stones, they’re much less food-tools-in-the-wrong-place for me.

    I once read (in Scarlett) that pink light is flattering. So, you know, when the time comes there will not be a white bulb to be found in my home. I suppose I should start stocking up, now.

  2. Lori, your synopsis of my ‘day of maintenance’ is completely accurate and there was no fabulous transformation what so ever! I was simply less hairy, softer and my dried-up feet didn’t catch on the carpeting quite as much after the Ped Egg. Plus, I didn’t even have time to try to tame my ‘crazy red hair’ as referred to by a not so sweet 8 year old boy; I simply wore a hat.

  3. I stay away from those super sonic mirrors. They scare me with all the stuff you can see. It can make one a plucking mess (so I heard).

    Now I’m going out to get J-lo cream. If I’m going to sit on my bum writing and working, it might as well be a fine one.

    Good luck on your decision. 🙂

  4. I can totally relate! But the very good thing is that I realate to the empty nester gal!
    Yes, a relaxing morning, relaxing afternoon and relaxing evening with my beloved hubby. ;D The hardest thing to do is keep up with the out-of-the-nest-kids who are all over the country! Lovely! Every bit of it. Dream girl and enjoy your moment mothering early am’s. Been there done that!
    Oh, chin hairs, nose hairs and hairs in places we never thought possible…ugh! I do so love it all!
    Thanks for the laughs n smiles.

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