I was shopping at THE Walgreens the other night and minding my own business. If you must know, I was in the sunscreen/wrinkle creme aisle examining the promises that various products were making to me. Studying all those promises requires serious concentration and I was giving it my best effort. Summer is around the corner and the talk shows are telling me I need sunscreen. And there are 493 products to choose from. Did you know that in four short weeks I could look like I’ve got a totally fresh and sunburn free face? I could also have a 74% reduction in lines, 66% increase in smoothness, and 44% firmer jaw line? I can say bye-bye to puffiness and blotches. All for $14.99 plus tax. Wow.
As I said, I was minding my own business while comparing Olay and Oi-Vey when suddenly a lady walked into my personal space carrying a gallon of milk. The lady looked at me and said, “That clerk tried to sell me a Butterfinger. If I wanted a Butterfinger, I’d buy a Butterfinger. I’m so damn sick of everybody trying to sell me something.” I looked at her and said that I was sorry and then focused my attention back to the wrinkle creme promises. She moved in closer and really started to vent. “My car needs a $200 repair and I’ve been out of work for 10 months and the last thing I need is a Butterfinger.” Holy Cats, Joycelanders, this was bad. All I wanted was a wrinkle removing sunscreen, but instead I was having to counsel the Butterfinger lady.
I told her that maybe she could call Barack Obama because he promised everybody a new day. But she wasn’t buying Barack’s promises or the Butterfinger, she said. I don’t know about Barack, but I’m a firm believer that a Butterfinger can help most situations. She didn’t want to hear about it.
I started to sweat and so did her gallon of milk. Then she began criticizing her husband. “Oh, he just sits around all day. His mower needs a new part and he won’t take care of it. He’s cheap, cheap, cheap. But I don’t say a word, I just zip my lip.” Then she made the zipper motion across her lip. “Men,” she said, “they just sit around all day. And these milk prices—-up, up, up. They just keep going up.”
I’m headed to the Twin Cities for a few days and I’ll admit I’m glad to be getting out-of-town. I bought the lady a Hershey with Almonds and sent her on her way with a semi-smile. Am I a magnet for people needing to escape to Joyceland or what? Who do you think I’m going to meet in the airport? Sit next to on the plane? Stay tuned. S-t-a-y t-u-n-e-d!