Posted by: Lori Schmidt Lutze | May 13, 2010

Looking for a little intrigue?

Have you been wondering what happened to our monthly Joyceland Person of Intrigue post?  Well, I was wondering the same thing.  What the hell happened to such a fine program?  So far we have three exceptional inductees:  Joyce (of course), Olivia, and Sheila.  Each is as important as the First Lady, but is much more talented . . .

No, we don’t mean to offend you, First Lady Obama, but Joycelanders are a rare and precious breed.  Did I mention that Sheila gave Bulldog the machine gun for his First Communion so he could shoot at the devil?  Need I say more about what it takes to become a JL Person of Intrigue?  Applications are being accepted now . . . and the phone line is open.  Remember this:  the phone line is ALWAYS open.   

Well, it’s time for our JL Person of Intrigue for the month of May and her name is . . . Linda.  Linda’s celebrity look-alike is: 

Oh, yes, she’s sassy.  And is one of the angels.  She’s always ready for a little mystery and excitement.  Yes, that’s our Linda.  Let’s join her mid interview:

JL:  Linda, do tell us your half pie story.  Linda:  Well, I’ve been known to love pie.  But eating an entire pie in one sitting is sometimes a bit much.  So, here’s what I do:  I bake the pie and eat only half.  Then I cover the remainder with a shower cap so it doesn’t get stale and start calling friends with a breathy, “Hi, want half a pie?”  Typically I deliver, but at times excited friends prefer to meet me halfway.  I call this my ‘Half Pie Hi’ and believe me, most people pick up when they see my name on their caller ID.    

JL:  Linda, what strategy do you use to keep your weight down after eating all that pie?  Linda:  Well, I usually weigh my clothes before going to the doctor’s office so that when I get on the scale I know what to subtract if the nurse gets sassy about any gains.  Another thing I recommend is weighing yourself while lying down.  Here is what you do:  lay down and stick your legs up in the air with the scale balancing on your feet.  You get a much more accurate weight by doing this than by standing on the scale.  And you feel better about yourself. 

JL:  Do you have a favorite workout DVD?  Linda:  I love Gilad.  Mostly I like his name.  G-i-l-a-d!  He is mysterious, foreign, and has an accent . . .

When I watch the DVD he tells me I look goooooooooooood. Beddy beddy goooooooooood.  That’s my favorite part of the workout.  Sometimes he even says this when I’m eating half a pie.

JL:  Linda, what type of workout attire do you wear?  Linda:  Well, I’m not picky—I like to save time by staying in my pajamas and putting my bra over my pajama top.  It’s quick.  It’s easy.  And I always get a friendly smile from the occasional delivery guy when I answer the door mid workout.

JL:  Linda, recently you’ve arranged to be in a prone position for several weeks with meals delivered to your house.  Do tell us how you got so lucky.  Linda:  Well, there is nothing like a medial patellofemoral ligament replacement to get yourself waited on hand and foot.  This is quite a gig.  I’m told that my replaced ligament came from a cadaver who was an Olympic athlete.  Since my knee surgery I’ve been rubbed, fawned over, powdered, glittered, and massaged.  Friends bring me meals constantly.  I can’t shower even if I want to which saves on time and a limo service takes me where I need to go.  Not bad.  Not bad at all.  Very Joyce, if I do say so myself.  I think that’s why I’m being given this Person of Intrigue honor–it’s all because I’ve been laying down for almost three weeks.  Most Joycelanders aspire to this type of thing.

JL:  Linda, thank you for sharing your wisdom.  We are encouraged by your life and lifestyle.  Call Joyce if you need anything while your ligament is healing—she’d love to lay in bed with you and shoot the breeze.  xo            

 

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Posted by: Lori Schmidt Lutze | May 11, 2010

The Morning After

Insanity is my only means of relaxation.  –Anon Y. Mous

Oh, the delicious thrill that is to be enjoyed the morning after hosting a party.  Sweet relief and decadent leftovers!!  Sure, there is a horrendous mess to clean up, but I’ll be honest with you—that’s Spike’s department.  True confession:  Spike owned a Kirby vacuum cleaner as a single man.

(Just the sight of all that equipment has been known make me scream, run, and hide.)  It’s true that I learned about Spike’s Kirby after we’d been dating only a few weeks and I’ll admit that it worried me.  What kind of guy owns a Kirby?  Spike said he liked all the attachments because they made him feel powerful.  I told him I didn’t want any more information on the topic.  And, as Joyce’s daughter, Spike’s monologue about the Kirby was sort of like listening to a foreign language.  Spike’s inner Hazel has proven to have kept our marriage intact.  Yes, sometimes I feel as though I am a wife and I have a wife, but it’s not a bad deal in the long run.  Joyce likes to borrow Spike once in a while, too, for housekeeping purposes. 

Anyway, the First Communion party went off without a hitch and a good time was had by all.  I mentioned last week that I’d be visiting the grocery store pre-party about 27 times, but I was wrong—-I made 34 trips.  The final visit was for parmesan cheese three hours before the party began.  I also panicked and went for eight pounds of pulled pork as opposed to six.  The pork just smelled so damn good and I’m a firm believer that one can never have too much meat.  People love lots of meat.  Do you notice how no one takes a bun anymore?  Everybody is all about meat.  I bought 74 dollar buns and got rid of only 34.  So my party hosting tip for you is this:  meat will make you popular.  Buns are yesterday’s news.  Blame Atkins and all the carb-a-phobes, but it’s the truth.      

Besides meat, people also love cheesy potatoes.  And the cheesier they are, the better.  Someone once said that it’s a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes, but I don’t agree.  I think there are many problems in life that can be settled and resolved over a big dish of cheesy potatoes.  And I have an empty pan to prove it.

People were very generous in giving First Communion gifts to Bulldog.  Only two of the gifts were a little suspect.  One was a machine gun from Sheila:

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The other was a whoopee cushion from Eddie:

So, this is what happened:  Bulldog partook of the bread and the wine, blessed himself, and then spent the afternoon farting loudly and shooting everyone with Nerf darts.  Some things are just not sacred anymore, are they?

Posted by: Lori Schmidt Lutze | May 6, 2010

Holy First Communion, I’m Frazzled!

Oh, the horror of it all!  And here’s where the horror begins:  I gotta get cooking.  Yes, cookin’.  Bulldog partakes of the bread and wine this Saturday when he makes his First Communion.  He is sooooooooo excited.  He’s been counting down the days and says he’ll hold his hands like this . . .

. . . so that his fingers are pointing to heaven.  At exactly what age do kids lose the innocence?  Drink it in, Joycelanders, drink it in while the cup of innocence is full. 

Besides the utter beauty of this spiritual moment in time—the once in a lifetime very first communion—it also means that I gotta get cookin’ for the party.  No bare fridge for me . . . no feet up while I lounge and suck on bonbons while reading People magazine . . . 

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Nope, I’ve gotta get my ass to the grocery store, load up, and put something together.  You know how hosting events like these makes me howl at the moon . . .

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. . . and you can count on the fact that you’ll find me sitting in my backyard tonight relieving stress with a pack of wild coyotes.

To get started planning the holy menu for such a blessed event, I found a great blog called You Are What You Eat . . . or Reheat.  It’s written by Katie O.  I love the part about reheating.  Very Joyce.  O Katie has a recipe section on her blog called White Trash Wednesday.  Here are some of her thoughtful ideas:  Tammy Faye Cake, Beanie Weenies, Bubble Gum on a toothpick, Bologna Roll-Ups, Spam Fondue, Velveeta Fudge, Waffle Peanut Butter Thingy, and Dorito Salad.  Yum, yum.  Bulldog’s going to love the Bubble Gum on a Toothpick!  When I checked out the specifics of Katie O’s Dorito Salad, one of her devoted readers had commented, “If this had Cheetos in it I’d be on board.”  And as for the Bubble Gum on a Toothpick, another foodie wrote, “A must at my next hoity-toity get together.”  

I adore Julia Child, but thank God Katie O. and her suggestions are helping me plan Bulldog’s party.  Julia Child is just too fancy for me and Joyce.  Check out Katie O. at http://youarewhatyoueatorreheat.wordpress.com/about/      And Scraps writes a blog about her great cakes at www.nibblesnbites.com.  Maybe Scraps will bake Bulldog a holy cross cake???  I could be on easy street if I play my cards right . . .

I figure between now and Saturday I will visit the grocery store no fewer than 27 times.  No matter how organized I am, it just seems that I always have to run my happy ass back to the store for something.  That’s what is so annoying.  I found a brand new store recently, though, and so I’m in the honeymoon phase right now.  I dress up and try to look all pretty when I grocery shop in order to make a good impression.  The new store is called the Metro Market and I’m pretty popular there.  The manager has been smiling at me.  The other day the produce guy said, “Hi.”  The cake lady told me she’s going to work very hard making Bulldog’s holy cake.  It’s a real fancy store and I feel like I’m at a party when I wander the aisles.  The flowers are especially fragrant and the floor is nice, too.  Is it just me, or do people love a trendy new store?

So, wish me well on this hostessing gig.  Stop by for the party, if you’re free.  Joyce loves party crashers.  In fact, she welcomes them.

Posted by: Lori Schmidt Lutze | May 4, 2010

How fun are you? A personality test.

Today I offer a quiz that reveals if you’re a true Joycelander.  It’s quick, easy, and very informative.  To hell with all those expensive and time-consuming personality tests.  This one will tell you everything you need to know about yourself.   Why waste time and money in therapy?  Let the Joyceland Insight into Personality or JIP teach you about your shortcomings and help direct what you need to change about yourself. 

The JIP, in true Joyce fashion, asks only one question.  How easy is that?  This all important question asks you to reflect upon your childhood in order to reveal your deepest and darkest secrets.  I hate to break it to you, but your childhood, unless you seek Joyce’s help, can set an unpleasant tone for the rest of your life.

Ready?  Here is the question:  When you were young, were you the child on the left or the right?

Let’s begin our analysis with the child on the right.  Her dress is a little too long and her pony tail is a touch too tight.  Her hair has no shine or fullness.  Her arm is positioned in such a way as to say, “Oh my, I’d better go tell mother.”  Her straight legged stance is matronly, uncertain, and lacking in confidence.  Her life is just one big set of rules.  And it’s probably her mother’s fault.  I hate to say it, but it’s true.  Little Ms. Rightie appears to be watching life happen all around her rather than participating in its fun and juvenile enjoyments.

Now let’s examine the little lady on the left.  She is wearing a hat.  Hats scream, “Whoo hoo, lookie at me!  Am I the life of the party, or what?”  She has curly hair.  Curls always spell a g-o-o-d   t-i-m-e!  Notice our party girl is sucking a nuk-nuk.  This indicates she’s probably been born with a silver spoon in her mouth (not a bad thing).  A little nuk-nuk always indicates a fondness for Dirty Martinis in later years.  Little Miss Fun’s knees are slightly bent which means she is not rigid or too well-organized.  And finally, she is enjoying watching her dress lift and blow here, there, and everywhere.  This girl will always find the location of the party.  Always.  She’s the one everyone wants to watch.  She’s the one everyone wants to have as a friend.    

So, which little lady were you?  Now, you righties, stop crying this minute.  If you were the one on the right, there is hope—but you need to take immediate action.  First of all, in order to change yourself you’ll want to enter into the archives of Joyceland and read a post a day.  Like a vitamin.  Meditate on Joyce’s wisdom.  Pray about the lessons you learn from Joyce.  Secondly, put the picture of the two girls on your bathroom mirror and every morning upon waking affirm:  I am the girl on the left.  The result?  Little by little, every day in every way, you’ll find yourself breaking out of your dull shell and living a life of frivolity and madness . . . .

(This therapy session has been brought to you by Joyce.  If you begin to experience laughter, outrageous scenarios, and tinkle in your panties fun—-don’t call your doctor, call Joyce.)      

Posted by: Lori Schmidt Lutze | April 30, 2010

I’ll take Betty White, two dimples, and a few wrinkles, please!

Yesterday The New York Times ran a sassy story on how Hollywood is re-visiting the au naturale look!  Is that Joyce I see sitting on the Hollywood sign bellowing, “Saints be praised . . .”

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I think it is!  Is it true that natural is back in style in the land of celebrities o’ plenty?  Maybe, just maybe.  Remember that cute Heidi Montag before her ten cosmetic procedures in a 24 hour period?  Well, tsk-tsk, it seems that Hollywood would rather have her old look as opposed to her new look:

Poor Heidi Montag—-she’s OUT and Betty White and Joyce are IN . . .

And what about moustaches on eight year olds?  Appropriate or not?  Last Saturday morning when Bulldog came downstairs, there was the faint appearance of a moustache above his upper lip.  Holy Guatemalan hormones, Catwoman!  Could his already be raging?  Quick, call Nancy Drew and ask her to solve The Case of the Moustached Mouseketeer.  Or please just say it isn’t so, dear Joycelanders!  If my sweet Guatemalan treasure is already sporting a ‘stache at the tender age of eight, we’re all in big, big trouble . . .

I had absolutely no choice in this situation, but to take the Bulldog by the horns.  Spike is just no good in these types of circumstances. 

I began by questioning Bulldog gently and lovingly.  I said with my best straight face, “Bulldog, when you went to bed last night you were moustache free and this morning it looks like you’ve sprouted facial hair . . .”   “No,” he replied, “No, I don’t have a moustache!” and then he ran up to his room trembling.  I headed out for a breakfast buffet to try to recover from the stress.  Two hours later, after eating an omelet the size of a football, I returned to my interrogation of Bulldog.  “Bulldog,” I said, “are you sure you didn’t draw a mustache on your face when you woke up this morning?”  “Aaaaah,” came his reply, “now I might be remembering something.”  (Did you know that Guatemalans have notoriously short memories?  Well, I didn’t either.)  “What happened . . .  was that . . . I think . . . I might have . . . maybe . . . drawn . . .  a mustache . . . on myself with a dry erase marker,” he stammered, “I think maybe that’s what might have happened.”

Ah, the hand drawn pencil mustache . . .

It looked okay on Gomez Adams, but Bulldog?  I’m also alarmed that The New York Times recently reported 18% of all tween girls ages 8-12 are now regularly wearing mascara and eyeliner. 

Have we all gone mad?  Ten cosmetic procedures in one day?  Mustaches on mini people?  Mascara and eyeliner on fresh faces?  It’s sacrilege.  Please, dear God, just give me Betty.  Betty White with two dimples, a few age appropriate wrinkles on the side . . . and a beer chaser.

Posted by: Lori Schmidt Lutze | April 28, 2010

Confessions of a Fridge-a-Phobe

My self-esteem has risen dramatically since several of you came out of the fridgelicious closet and confessed that you, too, keep your fridge stash to a minimum.  Interestingly, VickiJoyce remains committed to the super loaded fridge and that’s why Bulldog adores her and Spike wants to get jiggy with her.  A fully stocked fridge is like a dream come true for Winnie the Pooh types who like to open the door, gaze upon their food, and dream up delicious ways to use it all up. 

However, many interesting people find the bare naked refrigerator to be quite compelling and seductive.  Scraps cleverly admits that her fridge, which is filled with condiments and drink mixers, wants to live in a Sex and the City apartment.  Hello Mr. Big!  I think Big was totally into the bare fridge and his girlfriend Carrie Bradshaw certainly didn’t even come close to cooking one meal for all of six seasons.  My kind of girl, that Carrie. 

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Strangy suggests using the Euro fridge . . .

. . . which is right up my alley.  It’s slim, short, and doesn’t attract too much attention.

Hermey is a huge fan of the smorgasbord dinner which is an eclectic and semi-random collection of carrots, olives, pickles, summer sausage, maybe a few pieces of rolled up turkey/cold cuts, string cheese, and a few crackers from the pantry.  Your fridge never needs to stay full because you can throw anything into the smorgasbord dinner.  Chewey is fond of  the picnic dinner which usually consists of chicken wings from the deli, bakery bread, carrot sticks, pickles, chips…and whatever else is available in the pantry.  Please note that carrots and pickles can be used in both the smorgasbord and picnic dinner.

I think my problems with the fridge go way, way back.  As a young girl, Joyce never bought me one of these . . .

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Simply put, I was semi-deprived.  As a result, I never received proper instruction on what to do with the happy trio above (fridge, oven, sink).  And Nancy Drew, my beloved role model, never once had to look inside her refrigerator because she had a full-time housekeeper.

Jukey, a naked fridge aficionado, is in need of a good recipe using seven different kinds of mustard, Port wine, two withered lemons and three eggs of indeterminate age.  Her recipe request signifies our first foray into a Joyceland Bare Fridge Bake-off………….please submit your recipes by midnight on Friday.  The winner will win . . . a lunch date with Joyce, of course. 

Posted by: Lori Schmidt Lutze | April 27, 2010

I keep my fridge lightly accessorized…..

I, daughter of Joyce, recently dealt with a troubling domestic situation that threatened homeland security.  I hate when that happens.  Let me give you a little background on my latest challenge.  Very often, the refrigerator in my house looks like this:

Clean and neat, isn’t it?  Not much goin’ on in there?  Actually, there are eggs, pickles, lettuce, orange juice, hummus, and baking soda to keep the place fr-e-e-e-e-e-sh smelling.

There are many advantages to having a lightly accessorized fridge.  First of all, you don’t have to cook very often when the fridge is bare.  I find there are many benefits to this scenario.  Secondly, you don’t waste your precious time walking up and down the aisles of the grocery store.  And your back doesn’t go out while lifting heavy food filled bags into your trunk.  Third, there is definitely less waste.  Definitely.  I feel really good about not throwing away a lot of food when there are so many starving people in this world.  I believe keeping a lightly filled refrigerator is the least I can do to help the planet.  The least.

And the only people who have a problem with the way I stock the fridge are Spike and Bulldog.  And when their tempers flare up, homeland security is threatened.  Believe you me.  Spike decided to sit me down and explain the reasons why we have a fridge.  He called his presentation The Fridge for Dummies.  It was a PowerPoint and everything.  He told me that the refrigerator is not just another pretty tchotchke taking up space.  He explained that it’s not a kitchen accessory.  He said that when he comes home from work, he likes it if there is something to eat and the refrigerator can help with all that.  I made good eye contact with Spike during his presentation and I nodded frequently so that he would think I understood.  But I don’t.  Really I don’t.  Where does he get off thinking he knows all about refrigerators?  Accountants think they know everything.

Homeland security was further threatened when Bulldog put his size two foot down and whined, “I’m huuuungry.  And I’m tired of baking soda and pickle omelets.  You put pickles with everything.”  I’ll admit that even the African Dwarf frogs jumped a little after that exchange. 

Bulldog wants to live in a house with a full fridge.  I suggested to him that he’s caving to peer pressure and I won’t have any part of it.  And I gave him a gentle reminder that I’m raising him to be an independent thinker.

Michelle Obama heard about my fridge situation and she gave me one of these looks:

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Now that she’s growing vegetables in the White House garden and talking to everybody about nutrition, she really thinks she’s the cat’s pajamas.  Well, I’m not going to be swayed by her popular ideas and opinions just because she’s the First Lady. 

The Bobster recently reported that Joyce is considering remodeling her kitchen.  I guess she’s looking at some clever drawings of telephone booths which would be the perfect place for her to call in a nightly restaurant reservation.  Sounds like a great idea to me.  What are your kitchen survival strategies?

Posted by: Lori Schmidt Lutze | April 23, 2010

Oh, stop the fun!

Today let’s cover a few funnies from some inspiring ladies who adore living the Joyce lifestyle.  These funnies are uncensored and reflect the diversity of our changing times.  Rest assured that Joyceland is an equal opportunity storyteller.  May the following insights inspire you to live Joycely this weekend:

1.  Sheila admits that recently her family’s paths didn’t cross for an entire day between school, workouts, errands, and baseball practice.  So, at 9:30 p.m. her needy son shouted to her, “Ya know mom…..I have friends whose moms feed them everyday!”  (Joyce, in her wisdom, replies:  “When the children demand a daily meal it means they are expecting too much.  Do not give in to their ridiculous notions.”) 

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2.  Carolyn makes it a habit of dropping her kids at their various sporting events and then sleeping in the car for the duration of every game.  She keeps a pillow and blanket stowed away in her trunk so she can enjoy a nap while her precious angels show off their athletic abilities.  People have told Carolyn that her kids are pretty talented.  This makes her feel proud, but not proud enough to miss a good nap.  (Joyce purrs, “Carolyn, we worship your time management strategies.  Your multi-tasking abilities rival that of the most successful corporate CEO.”) 

3.  Jezebel confessed that as her husband was leaving for work yesterday, he raced back into the bedroom and starting shaking her while shouting, “Get up, Jezzie—you said you have a busy day:  working out, lunch with the girls, and packing for Florida.”  (Joyce replies, “This is my idea of a dream day.  Just a tiny bit of sweetly fragranced sweat, some girlfriend time, and jet-setting.  Keep up the good work, Jezebel.”)

4.  Vicky recommends saving time by doing everything she can to avoid the double shower.  Yup, the double shower is two showers in one 24 hour period.  Under no circumstances should anyone feel compelled to shower twice in one day.  This means you shouldn’t take a shower, pull weeds in the garden, and then shower again.  The double shower is a time waster and will dry you up like a prune.  (Joyce once looked up the meaning of double shower in her Joyce-ictionary and the word did not exist.  And remember what happened to that darling Marion Crane when she tried the double shower?)

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5.  Frenchie is fond of a new product called Sally Hansen Complete Salon Manicure:

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It provides all five steps of a salon manicure in one bottle.  How simple, yet groovy!  Frenchie even takes her favorite shade called Pedal to the Metal to Z Nail when she has an appointment for a pedicure.  The Vietnamese ladies who work on her toes love Sally Hansen Complete Salon Manicure and comment, “Dis brush beddy beddy big!  Beddy big!”  Apparently the Vietnamese girls like a big, big brush.  It’s the only thing they say in English.  The rest of the time they talk about Frenchie and giggle behind her back in Vietnamese.   (Joyce coos, “Base coat, strengthener, growth treatment, color, and top coat in one tiny bottle?  Send me all 42 salon-inspired shades.  I like a big, big brush, too.  And count me in on the Rosetta Stone learning lab.  Nobody’s gonna talk about me in a foreign tongue I can’t understand.”)

6.  This spot is reserved for a funny from you . . . what say you, you foxy Joycelander?

Joyceland does not discriminate on the basis of race, religion, creed, color, national origin, age, sex, sexual orientation, marital status, or disability.  Turn to Joyce when you want fair and unbiased blogging.

Posted by: Lori Schmidt Lutze | April 21, 2010

Letters beat out numbers every time

Hey, it’s time to celebrate because Joyceland has had over 12,000 visitors!  Slim Jims for everyone!  I’ll be honest and say that I don’t look at the statistics for Joyceland very often because I’m not mathy AND the whole point of JL is not to take life too seriously

Typically, I avoid numbers at all costs.  I married an accountant and that is where my relationship with numbers ends.  There’s nothing worse than a number to depress the hell out of you.  Think about it for a minute—-if it weren’t for numbers, life would be a total peach.  Numbers are the only problem in the entire world.  Why was Kate Gosselin dancing with the stars for so many weeks?  Numbers!

Good lord—that woman was the worst dancer I’ve ever seen, but she had viewer numbers.  You open your checkbook and why do you feel despondent?  Numbers.  You’re out to dinner looking extremely attractive while enjoying fabulous food, kisses, intoxicating drinks . . . and then the bill comes filled with numbers.  Your boss tells you about your raise.  No, the numbers in your salary increase can’t come close to your talent or beauty. 

It’s because of examples like these that I’ve never been very fond of numbers.  You simply can’t trust them.  No, it’s letters I’m interested in.  Letters and fun.  We’re all about the fun of it in JL, aren’t we?  Joyce is never going to tell you that you have to wear clean underwear, meet your goals, clean your desk, pull those weeds, suck up to your boss, pay your bills, or clip coupons.  Joyce is fine with you becoming a ditch digger—-she just wants you to be the best damn ditch digger you can be.  And Joyce will always love you, just as you are. 

Well, despite my disdain for numbers, every few months I force myself to take a peak behind the blog scenes to see if there are still three people, two dogs, and a monkey who visit JL on a regular basis.  By the way, the monkey is our most devoted follower . . .

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Anyway, when Spike helped me perform the latest Joyceland audit, we were surprised to see that there have been 12,011 visitors since JL began last August.  The monkey has been telling his friends . . .

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. . . and those monkeys know how to spread the JL word.  So, YAY for all your visits.  And thank you from the bottom of my heart for stopping by JL all these months.

But, let’s address a little Joyceland opportunity for you, shall we?  An opportunity for your own personal publicity and fame.  Did I mention fame?  Yes, I said fame.  Sure, so far we’ve had 12,011 visits, but we’ve only had 280 comments.  This is a grave situation, my JL friends.  We all want to hear about your crazy life and Joyceland ways via your comments.  Thank God when I recently confessed that I love Ding Dongs I learned through your comments that:

  • Frenchie used to steal Ding Dong’s from Jukie’s pantry because her mom wouldn’t buy them for her 
  • LauryJoyce adores Dolly Madison blueberry and cherry pies—lard and all–especially the lard
  • BetteJoyce feels affection for Zingers–the creme filled lunch cakes!

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Hearing about your Joyceness makes the rest of us feel almost semi-normal and less alone.  I may be a few cards shy of a full deck, but so are you.  So, let’s start hearing more from you.  Please stick a Post-It to your computer which says, “Joyce wants to hear from me!”  And then click on ‘leave a comment’ every time you visit and tell us something.  We’ll take anything.  Don’t be shy.  So how ’bout it?  Starting today can Joyce count on you?   

Posted by: Lori Schmidt Lutze | April 16, 2010

If the Ding Dong is good enough for Oprah, it’s good enough for me!

Tongues are a-wagging over Kitty Kelley’s tell-all Oprah bio.  And here’s one of the most delicious biographical facts I’ve uncovered so far:  one of O’s very favorite comfort foods of choice is . . . the Hostess Ding Dong.  Oh, the Ding Dong!  As a girl, I loved them too.   

The trend for birthday parties when I was in fifth grade was not an ordinary frosted cake, but a Ding Dong cake.  I begged Joyce for the Ding Dong cake because that’s what cute and popular Mary Mulenberg served for her birthday party.  So here’s what Joyce did for me:  she said okey-dokey and went to work.  Being Joyce, she was pleased as punch that the Ding Dong cake was so clever, yet easy peasey lemon squeezey.  Joyce diligently unwrapped the foil off of all those chocolate hockey pucks and piled them on top of one another on a pretty cake plate . . . and . . . TA DA . . . the Ding Dong cake emerged in all of its fabulous glory.  Do you suppose Gail does the same for Oprah when O has a splashy birthday affair? 

Because Joyce is a highly intelligent and educated woman, here is some background on the delectable Ding Dong.  It was born in 1967.  Hostess originally marketed the snacks on the East Coast as Big Wheels to avoid confusion with the Ring Ding which was made by Drake’s Cakes.  For a brief window of time the two companies fought and experienced a Ring Ding/Ding Dong conflict.  (Just for fun say that ten times fast!)  Rather than bore you with the messy and sordid details, I will say that Hostess eventually won out.  And for you comfort food buffs, please note that the snack is currently sold in Canada as the King Don.

Well, I’ll be brutally honest and say that my 11 year old friends adored the Ding Dong cake and that party made me as popular as fantastic Mary Mulenberg.  Ding Dongs began flying off the shelves and other mothers sent Joyce jewels, Tabu, and frosted wigs as a thank you for making their lives so clever and easy at birthday party planning time.

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Currently I don’t care for Ding Dongs as comfort food.  But I will admit to a peanut butter and chocolate obsession.  Reese and I go way, way back.

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Sometimes Spike let’s me go for a long ride with Reese’s Big Cup in Mr. Acura RDX.  How do you spell comfort?

As far as comfort food goes, Joyce is partial to pretzels.  Vicky can’t resist Swedish Fish.  You know that Liv can’t live without Slim Jims.  And Sue has a thing for Long Johns.  I once worked for a principal who also loved Long Johns.  She looked a little like Ursula the sea witch from The Little Mermaid . . . 

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We’d be in meetings and she’d pull from her purse a three foot long Long John.  She’d start grabbing it out and believe me, it just kept on coming.  The staff always wondered where she bought those super long Long Johns.  Yes, like Oprah, we all find our comfort food comforting.  So, what’s your favorite?

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