Have you been wondering what happened to our monthly Joyceland Person of Intrigue post? Well, I was wondering the same thing. What the hell happened to such a fine program? So far we have three exceptional inductees: Joyce (of course), Olivia, and Sheila. Each is as important as the First Lady, but is much more talented . . .
No, we don’t mean to offend you, First Lady Obama, but Joycelanders are a rare and precious breed. Did I mention that Sheila gave Bulldog the machine gun for his First Communion so he could shoot at the devil? Need I say more about what it takes to become a JL Person of Intrigue? Applications are being accepted now . . . and the phone line is open. Remember this: the phone line is ALWAYS open.
Well, it’s time for our JL Person of Intrigue for the month of May and her name is . . . Linda. Linda’s celebrity look-alike is:
Oh, yes, she’s sassy. And is one of the angels. She’s always ready for a little mystery and excitement. Yes, that’s our Linda. Let’s join her mid interview:
JL: Linda, do tell us your half pie story. Linda: Well, I’ve been known to love pie. But eating an entire pie in one sitting is sometimes a bit much. So, here’s what I do: I bake the pie and eat only half. Then I cover the remainder with a shower cap so it doesn’t get stale and start calling friends with a breathy, “Hi, want half a pie?” Typically I deliver, but at times excited friends prefer to meet me halfway. I call this my ‘Half Pie Hi’ and believe me, most people pick up when they see my name on their caller ID.
JL: Linda, what strategy do you use to keep your weight down after eating all that pie? Linda: Well, I usually weigh my clothes before going to the doctor’s office so that when I get on the scale I know what to subtract if the nurse gets sassy about any gains. Another thing I recommend is weighing yourself while lying down. Here is what you do: lay down and stick your legs up in the air with the scale balancing on your feet. You get a much more accurate weight by doing this than by standing on the scale. And you feel better about yourself.
JL: Do you have a favorite workout DVD? Linda: I love Gilad. Mostly I like his name. G-i-l-a-d! He is mysterious, foreign, and has an accent . . .
When I watch the DVD he tells me I look goooooooooooood. Beddy beddy goooooooooood. That’s my favorite part of the workout. Sometimes he even says this when I’m eating half a pie.
JL: Linda, what type of workout attire do you wear? Linda: Well, I’m not picky—I like to save time by staying in my pajamas and putting my bra over my pajama top. It’s quick. It’s easy. And I always get a friendly smile from the occasional delivery guy when I answer the door mid workout.
JL: Linda, recently you’ve arranged to be in a prone position for several weeks with meals delivered to your house. Do tell us how you got so lucky. Linda: Well, there is nothing like a medial patellofemoral ligament replacement to get yourself waited on hand and foot. This is quite a gig. I’m told that my replaced ligament came from a cadaver who was an Olympic athlete. Since my knee surgery I’ve been rubbed, fawned over, powdered, glittered, and massaged. Friends bring me meals constantly. I can’t shower even if I want to which saves on time and a limo service takes me where I need to go. Not bad. Not bad at all. Very Joyce, if I do say so myself. I think that’s why I’m being given this Person of Intrigue honor–it’s all because I’ve been laying down for almost three weeks. Most Joycelanders aspire to this type of thing.
JL: Linda, thank you for sharing your wisdom. We are encouraged by your life and lifestyle. Call Joyce if you need anything while your ligament is healing—she’d love to lay in bed with you and shoot the breeze. xo